I think that at times over the course of the last 7 years, maybe a little longer, I have had off & on depression. It runs in my mom's family for sure, and I'd bet in my dad's too. The fact of my parents getting divorced in 2002, my grandpa passing away in 2003, my parents fussing for a time, and dragging each other into court over a restraining order that never should have happened, me not being happy with my job, and some other personal issues hasn't helped.
I want to get rid of this monkey on my back, but I can't seem to completely shake it. I feel so good at certain times, then something happens, and I'm down in the dumps in a matter of minutes. I hope that's not what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life?? I would seek counseling, but I'm afraid that I can't afford it. I only make about $270.00/week. I think that weekly visits would be between 1/4, and 1/2 my weekly salary. I'm barely getting by right now, living from pay check to pay check.
There is an opportunity that may be coming up in the Spring. It's at over double what I make now, starting out at $44,000.00/year!! I make less than $20,000.00 now, and I've been at my current job for 9 years, and 4 months. It would be a very good job,and it would meet most of my money needs! But if I do take this job if a position is offered to me, it might mean I wont be able to go back to college in the Spring?? I don't know yet what my schedule would be, and I don't know what hours I would have to work for the job? I've waited since August of 2003 to go back to school, and I really don't want to give that up again!! I'm going to turn 29 next month, I already feel like time is starting to run out!
Almost 29, and I'm feeling like I don't have much time left. Maybe it's because I think in my mind, that I'm going to have a heart attack, or a stroke before I get a chance to do anything? My doctor has basically told me this. It just makes you wonder why bother sometimes. That's when I'm feeling depressed. When I'm not, I have the answer to that question! Because I want to do things, I want to live a full life, I want to help people, and I want o meet someone I love, get married, and raise a family!! But when I'm depressed, all that seems like an impossibility.
I do find these blogs of mine very helpful! Even if no one is reading them, it helps me to be able to write them. I do it more often than writing in a journal, but the only down side is that there are somethings I can't write here, but can in a journal. I guess that's why I still have mine, even though I write in it rarely any more.
I just wish that it seemed like I had a normal life, and had normal experiences like everybody else. Other people's families can get together for holiday, and family occasions with out someone being pissed at someone else, not mine. Even my mom's family at times can be trying. My grandparents fight at times, over small stuff. My grandma, and my uncle get into heavy arguments, it seems, to the obliviousness of anyone else being present. I listened to my parents fight enough when I was little, and in the last year of their marriage, I don't really care to continue to hear people fight over bull shit reasons!!
I guess emotionally I'm pretty messed up?! I never thought I would be this way, or sharing this much about myself to so many unknown people. I guess I can always just delete the post if I want to. That feels like a safety net to allow me to post it in the first place. Doesn't mean that people wont have seen it maybe, but you never know really. I think I will sleep better tonight after posting this, than I would have if I'd never done it at all.
I hope that all of you out there that may read this blog are in a much better state than I am currently!
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